Hot Disaster

Dating sucks. It does! Unless you are totally hot, with endless amounts of cash and a decent personality, finding a fun person that you want to be with is hard and sometime laborious work. It’s not just meeting people that’s hard, it the culling process that’s challenging.

One of the most stressful aspects of dating when you have seen someone a few times and realized that it’s going no where but your clueless date hangs on for dear life like you’re Brad Pitt. You really don’t want to have the “It’s me” conversation but the stupid thing just won’t die. What do you do?

Well, I think I have some ingenious solutions for you to consier. I have found a few items that you can wear to quickly accelerate the death of your non-relationship. Come on, you know that shelling out a few bucks is totally worth it if you don’t have to say anything and they just go away.

Here’s my pick for 10 ways to turn off your date, with some choice marketing language from their vendors. If you wear one of these and your date does not quickly disappear, I suggest you hurry and take out a restraining order and change your telephone number, cuz you got yourself a big problem:

10. Atari Video Game Control Belt Buckle

Wear this atari video game control belt buckle and make sure to lovingly caress it all night. Tell your date that you are a gamer addict and need to have the controls really close to you at all times.

“Once brushed off as merely a myth in the video game world, the long rumored, much talked about… Buckle is now available to grace your pants. Yes, it’s a real …controller, yes, its a real belt buckle, and yes, it will actually hold up your trousers….The Atari controller is something that should never have been turned into a belt buckle. For this reason, we had to make it.” See it here.

9. Skinned Fur Bikini

This item only works if you do not look good in a bikini. If you look hot, the non-relationship will be even more difficult to kill. If you look better covered up, then wear this bikini to the next public date you have…think of going bowling or to the pool hall and tell him how much you love clothes that express the real you. Make sure you order the extra small so that things that shouldn’t be showing are there in full display. Think really high flesh to fur ratio.

“Made of real fur.” See it here.

8. Sheep Lover Apron

Suggest you cook her dinner. When she comes over and mentions the apron, look at her with an intense eerie stare, pausing for a minute efore quietly tellinhg her that it’s your favorite apron and it’s really perfect as you really love sheep. Tell her you used to work in a sheep ranch for the summer in college. Share with her your views that the most important thing is to love, not necessarily who you love. Talk about the bigotry in America, the bias against gays, the bias against pedophiles and animal lover and how wrong it is to be judgmental. That you believe that in time, as people become more open minded and less puritanical, society will come to accept all types of relationships.

“The perfect gift for: real animal lovers.” See it here.

7. Yarmulke Bra

Surround and bury your whole house with yarmulke and prayer scarves and say that you have an attraction to nice Jewish boys. Tell him that each yarmulke represents an old boyfriend and the ones you are wearing represent your first lover, who you will never forget. Talk about how each date has had a profound impact on you and that you had a hard time separating from them. Talk about how each one left you but you never let them forget you. How after you broke up, you still went to see them, and leave notes for them and their new b*tch girlfriends (who deserve to die), how you knew you shouldn’t have done some of the things you did to their cars and homes but you were angry and they deserved it anyway. Look intensely at your date and ask “you’ll never leave me, right”?

“Inspired by the MC Paul Barman lyric, “I couldn’t stay calm because/ she revealed a bra made of two yarmulkes,” designer KS turns the fantasy into a reality. …All bras are one of a kind. The Yarmulkes themselves are imported from Israel and are individual works of art.” See it here.

6. Animal Head Skateboarding Helmet

There are a lot of goofy hats out there, so you need to wear this the right way. Tell them that you are a member of PETA, get as many facts as you can absorb and spend the whole date talking about how mankind is devastating the wildlife with its relentless pursuit of the dollar. Make sure to not allow the conversation all evening to be on anything other than endangered animals. Make sure you get the hat for your date and insist that they wear it too in order to focus attention on the plight of the zebra. Talk excitedly about how fun it will be when they join you for your monthly protests at the local movie theatre.

“How to Get an Animal Head Without Hunting” – “wearable endangered creatures… made with a skateboarding helmet…comfortable, lightweight wearable animal sculptures.” See it here.

5. Light Up Billboard Message Bra

Wear this bra with some extra padding in the bra so you are really hanging out. Pair the bra with a tight red set of skin-tight pants and hot heels and go to the bar with him. Put up the message “I’m easy” and put it on flash. Talk really loudly about how men are really attracted to you and you always have a hard time attracting they right type of guy who’s interested in more than one thing with you. Talk about how tiresome it is to have all the men always staring at you and you so appreciate your date for being able to see the real you behind the attractive appearance. Pretend to get drunk and on your way back from the bathroom, flaunt yourself to every man in the bar and ask them if they think you are hot. Act very very desperate and completely ignore your date.

“Light-up bras make a popular addition to any outfit, and will definitely bring you attention! Most of our bras are powered by a single 9V battery that can be hidden in a pocket under the arm or inside the cup. An easy-access on/off switch lets you choose between light and dark, as needed. “See it here.

4. Cell Phone Radiation Blocking Scarf

Wear this to your next date and talk about how radiation adversely affects brain cells and how important it is to avoid radiation at all costs. Talk about how as a child you lived next to a power generation plant and how some of your neighbors ended up having really weird children with three legs and two heads and how the older folks all ended up bed-ridden with horrible diseases. Laugh and mention that you hope nothing like that will happened to you as you always protected your privates by wrapping them with aluminum foil and that you use your handy scarf every time you use the cell phone.

These scarves “are fancy and at the same time a very special technical feature, because they protect you effectively against radiation from mobile phones. The metal silver gloom gives the scarfs [sic] their stylish look which will fit to most of the colours [sic] of your wardrobe.”See it here.

3. Sac Free Underwear

Keep scratching yourself ferociously on your next date. Make it as obvious and as embarrassing as possible. Take her home and then show off your new underwear. (Make sure that before you went out, you used a bit of food coloring and colored your sacs a nice bright shade of green yellow.) Tell her you’ve had this aggravating problem and the doctors still haven’t been able to figure out how to control it but that you think this underwear has really helped you. Cry a little and tell her there were months you couldn’t feel them and thought they would fall off, but you can feel them now and that even if the itching is driving you insane, you are grateful. Tell her the doctors don’t think it’s catching but are not sure because they don’t know what it is yet.

“Briefly: A new dimension of comfort and liberty for your balls. In former times there were boxershorts or slips. Today there is sacfree®, the first boxerslip of the world…Sacfree® brings you pleasant liberty and defines your necessity. “See it here.

2. Sneaky Shorts -Liquid Holder for Pants

Talk on your next date about how you hate to waste money. Tell them that everyone is crazy to spend their money in stupid ways. Show them your sneaky shorts device and act real proud. Explain how you have been able to avoid paying for wine and sodas for years with this device by just filling up the pants with boxed wine before you go out. It’s been a lifesaver for you as it’s saved you hundreds when forced to go out to dine. Tell them you will get them their own dispenser so that when you two have to go out, you can now both avoid having to buy expensive soft drinks or wine.

“Compared to other beverage containers on the market, Sneaky Shorts concealability puts it in another league. For example, the Camelbak® backpack is nice, but very obvious. Metal flasks or bulky bottles are easily noticed. Sneaky Shorts free up your hands and hold plenty of fluids, all fully concealed under your pants!” See it here.

1. All Meat Baseball Cap

Invite your date for an outing on a hot day and let this hat fester in the sun. (Make sure you leave it out for a few days before your date so it’s already ripe.) Keep reaching out to them and kiss them frequently so they can get some good nosefuls of the rotting meat. Talk about how you hate to cook and that you never do it, but that you have found lots of ingenious ways to avoid cooking. Explain how this hat is great and that by suppertime, you can take what’s on your head and eat it. Tell them that you do this about once a week and that you are excited to show them all the other ingenious ways you have come up with to never cook – Ever!

“THE BASE-BULL CAP – This classic is made from the best of the male bovine to bring out the best in the sports fan, male or female. It features a visor of fine flank steak and a helmet of lean, grade-A 100% ground beef. It’s a tailgate party for your head!” See it here.

Have you ever had a non-relationship that just would not die? Would any of these have worked to help kill it?

"One man's wacky is another fool's cool."
Amused and Bemused