5. You Always Have to Kiss Her @$$
Do you feel like this chair, always stuck with her @$$ on your lips?
Is it all give and no take in your relationship?
Does she constantly ask you to do stupid things for her? Is she frequently bugging you to get her a soda or walk her ugly dog, like you’re her butler? Does she then stare at you like you asked her to build you a Rolls Royce when you ask her to make you a stupid sandwich?
Are you constantly giving up your plans so that you can “spend time together” doing things you’re never interested in doing? Do you sit around trying to hide the fact that your eyeballs are now permanently stuck to the back of your head from rolling them so much as she sits there griping once again about some inane thing a girlfriend told her the other day?
If it’s clear that you’re not in a partnership and you’re merely a poorly paid gofer, it’s time to drop the shopping bags you were carrying for her in the next muddy puddle and kiss her @$$ goodbye. ([chair here])
4. She Won’t Leave You Alone
Do you feel like you are losing your identity? Does she freak out when you say “I” and not “we”?
There are women in this world who don’t understand that men need time to themselves. They do not understand the need for men to decompress from a tough day, to hang out with the guys or just to belch and be himself for awhile without someone always there making “suggestions” about whatever they are doing.
Do you have one of those women that acts like an octopus squishing the life out of you with her tentacles? Is she a woman who gets pissed every time you have a guy’s night out? You may have one of those parasitic women who will work eat away at your identity until your individuality disappears.
If being together to her means you are one inseparable unit and you need to start buying your clothes so that both of you can fit inside them, you need to remember that you used to really like yourself before she came in your life. Get her out of your shirts and out of your life. (shirt here)
3. She Keeps Using You for a Punching Bag
Boyfriend Punching Bag
Does a day ever go by when you are not in one type of argument or another? Is there anything she’s not battling about with you?
Do you feel burdened by the weight of being perfect? If you feel that no matter what you do, it’s not good enough for her, you need to figure out if it’s you or her who needs fixing.
If the constant drizzle of one battle after another is eroding you down or the sight of your lady brings a sick feeling in your stomach, it could be because she using you as a human punching bag. If all she does every day is deflate you, you need to get some fresh air into your life. Knock her out of your life. (punching bag here)
2. She Likes Women More Than You Do
Have you ever caught her looking deeply into another woman’s eyes? Do her hugs with her girlfriends make you wonder why she doesn’t hug you with the same intensity?
There is probably nothing so dear to a straight man than the fantasy of being with two hot, gorgeous women. The idea of watching two ladies together can turn up the temperature of many men. (I am sitting here breaking out in a sweat just writing about the idea.) Of course, if the two women are enjoying each other because they enjoy each other more than they enjoy you, it is a completely different matter.
If you suspect that your woman likes the company of her girlfriends a little too much and she often surprises you with her ability to use power tools, you should trust your instincts when they yell “lesbo”. If she likes women, staying with you does not mean she won’t someday give into the temptation of being with someone really soft. When that happens, it’s going to kill your sense of manhood and will destroy any semblance of cool you ever had. You will now always be the man who turned your woman gay.
So, if you suspect she prefers a “studfinder” tool to finding a real stud, you need to get out while your manhood is still arguably with you. A girl loving girl is only fun if you’re a partner in the play and not the patsy. Save your sanity and dump the dyke. (dyke doll here)
1. She’s Becoming a Bitter Old Hag
Is she constantly complaining? Does nothing seem to bring her joy? Can you even remember the last time you laughed out loud together?
I am not suggesting you should dump your woman because she’s growing old. The whole point of being together was so you can have someone to share your life with and grow old together. But there are women that do not grow finer with time. Some women get angrier as they grow older. They choose to be dissatisfied with the world and what it has “given” them. Disappointment is a heavy badge they wear with their sense of entitlement.
If you are unfortunate enough to have paired up with a woman who can not appreciate all the blessings that she has in her life (basically you), she is not going to change. She is going to become more appreciative over time. No. What she is going to do is collect all that anger, hate, and disappointment, and shoot all that ugliness right out of her mouth and right into your face.
If the old lady mask already looks too much like your woman too much of the time, trust me men when I say she’s never going to look better. That sour expression she wears now will slowly get etched into her face. Then, every time you wake up in the morning, what you are going to see is that bitter, old hag in your bed. So even if she is the hottest piece of woman this side of Tucson, look to see if “bitter” and “mad” are already making their presence known on her face. If you can see it, you need to get yourself something new to look at. (mask here)
I realize these five reasons are no where near a comprehensive list of good reasons to dump your broad, but I have a life. I’ll get to the other 200 when I have time.
In the meantime, if your reason for wanting to dump her is not on this list, think carefully before you kick her butt out to the curb. If you want to make sure you are doing the right thing, tell me your reasons in the comments section below and if I am feeling charitable, I will give you some free advice.
Until then, remember one fool’s wacky is another fool’s cool.
Amused and Bemused